So This Is Christmas

I set up the Christmas tree my Mother sent me, and it's sitting next to me now as I type this. It's so small and adorable, and it fills my heart with Christmas joy, the likes of which make me want to bake tree-shaped cookies for 72 hours straight.

Not exactly your Charlie Brown tree

I enjoy the timing of Ukrainian celebrations in relation to American celebrations. Today, in America, it is Christmas Eve. In Ukraine, it's simply Tuesday. But because next week begins their school break, all this week is filled with New Years concerts and celebrations. Their New Years is a lot like our Christmas. They have New Years Trees, which doesn't quite roll off the tongue for me  like Christmas Tree.

So, even though I'm away from my family and friends, I'm still surrounded by joy. I'm surrounded by excitement and festivities and little pieces of home, both new and old.

I cut about 100 snowflakes for my school's New Years Concerts. I was glad to be of some use, especially around the holidays. I had my students help me and I gotta say that their craft skills improved by a million as we littered the floor with more and more shards of paper. We listened to N'sync's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" on repeat - my choice, not theirs.

I'm not looking at this Christmas as the second one away from home. I'm looking at it as my last one in Ukraine. Every bit of what I see, I may be experiencing for the last time. You think that thought would scare me, or make me rush - and, okay, sometimes it does - but I feel overwhelming gratitude for every passing minute. I've got nothing to fear. It's all happening, it's happening right now and I'm there, right in the middle of it. 

So, every dance, every piece of tinsel, ever paper cut, every shot of vodka, every Russian voiceover in Home Alone, every hug, every high five, handshake, "hello" and "good-bye" is a gift. My only worry is that I will never be able to pay them back. Guess that sounds like a pretty solid start to a very worthy New Years Resolution...

In the meantime - Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Phew!

Last entry was SUPER heavy and filled with deep internal monologues that should sometimes just stay internal. But sorry, I'm not sorry. Sometimes, a gal's gotta let it out. But, I thought I'd bring things back to a more sunny, springy, Trish-like tenor and tell you all a funny story.

Recently, I've been on a health kick. This includes eating better, walking more, and going to the local, shady gym to receive training in kickboxing and weight lifting. Considering how small this town is, I'm in awe that they have such classes available. Side note, I've met some really nice ladies by doing this. And some not so nice ladies, but all of my encounters are hilarious and awesome at the end of the day.

So, in my efforts to eat healthier, I've been buying dry beans from the supermarket and soaking and cooking them myself. This is not only cost effective, but healthier! And I get to flavor them in whatever way I like. Sometimes I simply boil and eat. Other times, I toss them in with some spinach. But my favorite means of stuffing my face is through roasting them! Roasted beans are crispy, delicious, and addictive. Much like my ex-favorite food, chips. Sorry, chips. You know I'll always love you.

Last Sunday, I meant to do just that. I thought some roasted beans with a nice omelet would make a great dinner. I got up around 9:00 and started soaking the beans. And so they soaked for around 7 hours. Plenty of time for them to get a little soft. Without a second glance at the beans, I drained them, washed them, and put them on to boil. I let them boil for around two hours, but they still weren't getting any softer! I couldn't figure out why.

I took a nibble at one piping hot bean and thought, Gosh, these beans taste funny.

Looking into the pot, I carefully studied my beans... And realized, with the force of a feather pillow to the face, that they weren't beans.

They were peanuts.

I mean, really, can you tell the difference at a glance?!

After laughing at myself for a good three minutes, I drained my peanuts, salted them, added some chili powder and threw them into the oven for roasting instead. Bonus: they were de-licious! Are delicious, I should say, as I'm still eating them.

Ultimately, the lesson here is, when life gives you peanuts, roast them anyway.

Happy cooking, all!

All The Squirmy, Being Bits

The following is a jumble of things I wrote when I was trying to clear my head. It's a summation of missing, learning, fear, and love, and it jumps around more than a jack rabbit on Easter Sunday. It is an unedited invitation into the corners of my little mind, and I hope you'll forgive me if it gets a little heavy. Sometimes, the words need to be heavy if you mean to lighten yourself. Please understand that what I wrote was intended as advice for myself in a moment when I needed some clarity, but if you get something out of it, then I'm honored.

* * *

She started to miss things in fragments, which were as they came to her when she was idle in the classroom, in her kitchen, in the shower. She thought about how it would feel to grasp the curtains in her room, how the rough fabric would be so beautifully colored but not at all soft, how it would feel in her fingers as she brushed it away from the window, securing it behind the black metal lip she’d screwed into the wall. Would it be daylight? Would it be nighttime? Would she be freshly washed? Would her room still be her own?

She imagined laying in the backseat of a car. Any car, being driven always by her mother. She could see the flashing of streetlights as they sped by, and she could see the branches, barren from the winter cold. Would it be Christmas? Would she be full in every way a person could be full? Would she fall asleep without even trying?

Before you learn to live without fear, you must be very, very afraid. And the deepest fear is believing that what you thought would be a temporary missing might be the kind of missing that lasts forever. And not knowing if it’s to be real. Never knowing if it is actually reality, or if it’s only the nightmare you brush against at night. That’s the kind of fear that grips my heart. That’s the kind of fear that needs no answer when asked, “What are you?” Would that I could live without that question, and moreover without that answer.

How am I to separate myself from this fear without abandoning the feelings that brought it about? How can I love something without being afraid of losing it? Maybe it’s knowing that the kind of love that possesses and traps for fear of loss is a selfish love. Love, and be okay with loss through appreciation and gratitude. And never again feel the fear of losing what you have not yet properly appreciated, what you have not yet properly understood. Instead, know that you will understand nothing, but love it anyway. Be grateful even when it hurts you. Love without fear. Live without fear.

You must do more than simply try to let go. You must try AND let go. Commit actions with love and hope and watch them lovingly as they blunder about, possibly destroying themselves, possibly flying. Don’t be angry. Don’t be bitter. Those are useless, sinking emotions. Work hard, and expect nothing. Work hard for the sake of it. Don’t expect a thank you. Do something because you love to do it, not because it’ll make others love you. Love yourself. Respect yourself. And abandon yourself. Live beyond yourself. Be completely in being. Be always present and apart. And know that this is not insanity but rather the only way to be sane.

Forget everything you wrote and read, then discover it again. Be filled with wonder. Love. Destroy. Create. Feel. Hope. Work. Try. Do. Live. Be.

Then die. Die without fanfare, without expectations, completely free from fear.

* * *

I think I’m always done speaking in riddles and self-help terminology, but I never am. I hate myself for it, but I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m afraid of sounding like a pretentious preacher. That I’ll say these words and people will look at me through squinting eyes, hissing, “What do you know, you who are more damaged than I? You, who are a mess of horrid regularities, unworthy in every way?” And they’ll slither away, laughing, confident and poised and full of self-understanding.

Here, in this narrative, I can hear the words of Brendan. Of Dorothy. I can hear them saying that He loves me. He understands me. He takes away the fear of speaking, of trying to understand myself through lofty words. He’ll let me flail about as I desperately try and grasp peace of mind, and He is smiling, knowing that the only way I’ll get it is not by floundering, but by floating along in His contentment. He knows I’ll get there. He knows I need to learn to sink before I can know what it is to float. To fly. To sit with myself without being at war.

I’m not there yet.

But I will be.

Life in a Year

I know it's been a long time since I've updated this blog. And the updates have been far between as well as few. But the inevitable one year mark is upon us, which is a cause worth posting for.

I remember hitting one hundred days in country. I remember feeling like I'd always been there, like I'd just arrived, like I was about to leave any second. Time is relative when you're living your dream. And the thing about dreams is that they're usually over before you realize that you're in one. Such is not the case here, for I am constantly looking around, aware of how blessed I am to have this opportunity.

Many, many volunteers may not feel that way. They have their moments of success, but those are only pockets of light in what is, for them, a resounding darkness. And many times, I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Am I lying about how happy I feel here? Honestly, at a glance, there's a lot more that would make a person feel depressed than there is to make a person feel happy. Even the Ukrainian people I meet are at a loss as to why I'm here when I could be home. Don't get me wrong, it's not all double rainbows, and sometimes I ask myself the same question. Maybe, for me, it's simply that the answer to that question is still true. Really, truly true, and not just something that I tell myself to keep the monsters at bay.

Here's why - why I came and why I'm still here - because I have been able to prove, for myself and within myself, that the world outside my window is both terrible and wonderful, that it is possible to have peace during the bad stuff and gratitude during the great stuff. That having optimism and hope isn't naive, but brave. That it is a struggle to be happy, a constant struggle, but it's a worthy struggle that I have the ability to choose everyday. That working hard, being kind, and listening to the lessons of everyday trials can shape you and the world around you in the most beautiful way.

I came here to connect with people, to learn and understand the world without judgement and, most importantly, to encourage my students to be exceptional - because they are, whether they know it or not. I work on all of those things every day, and it's never easy. But is it worth it to try?

Always, always, always. And I look forward to trying my way though the upcoming year.

Happy One Year, Ukraine!

On Remembering

Amid the hundreds of other holidays Ukraine has this month, Remembrance Day stands as one of the more somber occasions. Not unlike Mexico’s Day of The Dead, people gather at the graves of loved ones, celebrate the lives they lived, and miss them.

I like this holiday. We don’t have one like it in America, as far as I know. We have Memorial Day, but what about those who died without banners waving? I suppose it’s up to us to remember them in our own way, on a day of our choosing. Maybe it would be their birthday, or their anniversary, or the day they died.

I hope Ukraine doesn’t mind, but I’m going to borrow their holiday for a minute and remember someone today who recently passed away.

My Grandmother – or Yia-Yia, in Greek – died in my absence almost two months ago. It’s a strange thing when death happens without you. You’ve already gone without the person for so long that when someone calls you and says that you must now go on without them forever, it feels unreal. Like you’ll return in a year and a half to find them right where you left them, still sitting in the kitchen, talking on the phone. You must believe the loss on your own. You must accept it without having said goodbye.

I never really knew my Yia-Yia. That’s not to say I didn’t hug her, or sit with her, or love her. No, I was very lucky. I had the privilege of growing up with her constant presence. When I say I didn’t know her, it’s because I never knew her favorite color, or if she liked peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or if she preferred winter to summer. How it was when she first came to America? What was it like when she met my Pa-Pouli? What was her favorite movie? Did she like to swim? Those are all questions I never asked. When I say I didn’t know her, it’s because I never spoke with her.

If I’ve learned one thing in Ukraine, it’s the importance of language. When I was younger, I never grasped the point. In a room of people all speaking Greek, I was content to sit there without understanding a word. I knew when something was important, someone would lean in and whisper the English translation in my ear. Now that I’m older and have learned another language, I see what a horrible mistake that was. I see now that it was never a matter of understanding the language, but rather understanding the person.

Had I known Greek, I would have been able to ask my Yia-Yia all of those questions. We could have had discussions or told each other jokes. We might have even argued! I would have been able to tell her about myself, too. We might have had a lot in common. And not having that chance – never learning Greek – is something I will always regret.

This is what I do know… This is what I will remember… She baked Greek cookies all the time, and towards the end when her strength was waning, she still baked with the help of Pa-Pouli. She cooked thick noodles in red sauce that I never liked, but pretended to like. She made me oil and bread with salt every time I came over. She rubbed my back when I fell asleep watching cartoons. She cried when she was happy. She cried a lot. And when she died, the last words she heard were words of love.

And while it’s not everything – while it’s not the little puzzle-piece particulars of the soul that made her – I know that she loved and was loved.

I will remember her for that.

Holy Update, Batman!

Well, that was quite the delay!

I've been at site for almost three months now, and apart from generally settling in, my computer went and broke on me. That's been quite the disaster. I hate to say it, because I'd love to think that I could go back and hang out with Jane Austen and throw technology to the wind, but that's just not reality. I need me some tech. I love computers. Always have. And not having one is a hinderance. I can't plan lessons as I'd like to, I can't write, I can't watch movies, and - most importantly - I can't speak with my family and friends!

But, to bright-side this situation, I've been keeping productive! I'm almost done reading Anna Karenina. My flat is suspiciously clean. I've even done some push ups! And laundry...

Send help.

No, but after a mishap with the post office as far as getting a new computer sent to me, I've decided to buy one here. That will happen soon... I hope. I'm going to Lviv next week, so I suppose I'll check some out there, but who knows where I'll buy it from. Or how I'll buy it. I'm going to need a lot of help with that... I don't know any computer words in English, let alone Ukrainian. Speaking of speaking, my Ukrainian is getting better! At least I'm feeling better about it. I'm starting to read Harry Potter in Ukrainian. Or trying to, rather.

In more important update-y news, I love my site. My students are hilarious and brilliant and sassy. I'm working on being a better teacher every day, and I hope it's happening. I love the town. After traveling, it always feels like I'm really coming back home when I arrive in front of my flat. My counterpart is one of the most impressive people I've ever met. I'm so lucky to have been placed with her. We're already working on some projects for the school. I think we're going to do great things together, and either way, we'll have a lot of fun... Ah, and speaking of students, two of mine just sat down next to me in the computer cafe and they are watching me type. That's been a thing, they are all really interested in how fast I type. I tried explaining that they teach us typing in schools, it's like an actual class, but that didn't translate. Or they just don't believe me. Also, they have me rap for them often. These are two things I do just alright if I were to do them stateside (actually, if I were to rap stateside, I'd be thrown out), but at least I'm doing something that's cool to them. The novelty will surely wear off soon, and then I'll just be "that American" rather than "that fast-typing cool-rapping American" which I'm CERTAIN is what they call me when they're talking about me in Ukrainian. CERTAIN.

Anywho - I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm gaining all sorts of weight. Life is good. And interesting. And always confusing and wacky and I love it.

Happy Updates, all!

Little Dragons

Go 'head and dust yo' shoulders off, Group 44!

We've officially been sworn in as United States Peace Corps Volunteers. My Ukrainian is at the intermediate mid-level. I've eaten calo. I've been in Ukraine for almost 90 days. It's wild, man.

I've been having quite the time. I'm constantly learning from the amazing people who've taken time out of their day to help me. Leaving my host family was difficult for that reason, because they were so incredibly attentive to me. But we're already keeping in touch. And now, I live in an apartment next door to my counterpart, and her family has taken me under their wing. Just now, I'm using two items that would've otherwise been useless to me without her husband's handy work. I have a lamp, I have a desk, I have a space-heather. Life is good.

My apartment is cool as can be, and I mean that in both the slang and actual meaning. It's cold. But again, space-heater! I'm super warm so long as I'm keeping it on.

I'm also going to miss my cluster mates. They were the best people I could've been placed with, and I'm happy to say that they're not terribly far away. I'll be seeing them soon, possibly for Christmas.

Here's a picture of us at Swearing In, making the Crazy-Nick face

Speaking of Christmas, I need to buy a tree. And maybe a guitar. I don't know, I saw one at the bazaar today, and I'm thinking it could be really fun to use a guitar in my lessons with the younger kids. Plus it'd be nice to hone that skill a bit more... We'll see, I was too scared to ask how much it was, and I'm not made of hryven after all!

Also, I have my own internet now. That means I should be able to keep up with this blog a bit more. Hopefully! I haven't met with the teachers at school, but just by talking with my counterpart, I know I'm going to be involved in a lot of real cool projects. I absolutely cannot wait!

Happy winter, all!

Super Good, Yes!

That's about all I know how to say in Ukrainian so far... This language is hard! But then again, all languages are hard for me. Slowly but surely, I'm picking it up.

My family is great! I play UNO with my host cestra Ina and her boyfriend Max every weekend. He tries to get me to say swear words in Ukrainian, but no way! You'll have to wake up pretty early to trick me into that! Haha, I did ask him the other day, "Max, what's your name?" My host family got a kick out of that.

Blogging is hard to keep up with, considering the amount of people I need to email. I'm going to try and do it every month! At least. Hopefully.

Loving life in Borova. This village is so welcoming.

Live long and prosper! Gosh, everything I'm writing is so spastic. It's okay. It's just the dubstep music of the Internet Cafe causing my adrenaline to rise.

The Jam Here is Incredible

Alright!

So, I made it to Ukraine. It's insanely awesome here. My host family is great, and my cluster is excellent. I'm having to fight off some fruit flies, but they're the most of my worries. Learning the language is going well. I have limited internet access, so this has to be a bit short. I want to update my friends all the time, but I feel like this is still a huge transition, and I want to hear about their lives but it's hard to have a full convo when they're asleep and you're awake.

The landscape here is actually JUST like Chicago. Flatlands, lots of planes. I'm literally next door to my teacher's home. We're in kind of like a dual house thing? Like two houses put together. I forget the word. And the other 4 volunteers in my cluster are right next door, we're all neighors, so I'm very close. The town bazzar is a 15 minute walk, so everything is nearby, and I'm never by myself. Again, this family is fantastic! So helpful and patient. I took my first shower today, and it was warm! Victory! My family has a dog named Charlie, and he's adorable. They also have a cat, but I forget its name. My host family makes everything from scratch, the food is fabulous. Their jam and juice is insanely good. I'm learning Ukrainian slowly... Very slowly... Baby steps.

I miss home, my family, my friends, Maddie... but I'm incredibly honored to be here. Being with such a loving and vibrant family helps.

Love from Borova!

My Aspiration Statement to Ukraine

ASPIRATION STATEMENT

Patricia N. Dalinis

Ukraine

September 17, 2012

A: The professional attributes that you plan to use, and what aspirations you hope to accomplish during your Peace Corps service:

I intend to approach my Peace Corps service with flexibility, excitement, creativity, and the understanding that I most likely have no idea what I’m getting myself into – and I mean that in the best way possible. My most essential professional attribute is the ability to learn as I go, to discover new methods of understanding by actively and consciously engaging myself. I do so openly and without judgment. To apply this to my service in Ukraine, I must listen to my students. I must work with them, allowing them to teach me as I in turn teach them. My time in Ukraine will be molded by the opportunities I’ve had here in Chicago. Through tutoring high school level ESL students, I’ve learned patience. I’ve learned to acknowledge what the student truly needs to learn without solely inflicting a pre-determined lesson plan on them. My interpersonal communication skills will be necessary in that respect. What’s great is that I was able to tutor the students on a wide variety of subjects, from History to English to Consumer education and more. This not only allowed the students to practice their English, but furthered their study in other subjects as well. As a teacher’s assistant, I’ve become familiar with both following lesson plans and creating them. Within these lessons, there has to be breathing room. Through flexible and creative lessons, the students will become active learners while I continue to maintain and enforce curriculum. I hope to communicate with other teachers, garnering knowledge from them while sharing my skills and findings. If I am able to accomplish the aforementioned goals, I will be successful in part of my aspirations for Peace Corps Service. I also want to work with the community to foster projects and developments that they need. There are about a hundred projects currently coming to mind that I would love to work on with my community, but I cannot know that they would actually be needed or appropriate. I’ll only know once I’m living and acclimating within the community. It’s important to me to help in a way that is genuinely needed, not only in the way I think is needed.

B: Your strategies for working effectively with host country partners to meet expressed needs:

Working effectively with host country partners will be integral to my Peace Corps service. By working closely together, we will foster a bond of cross-cultural understanding and respect. There are a few ways I intend to go about doing this. First, I will listen carefully to my partners when they tell me what the community needs. I will ask pertinent questions to better comprehend the issues at hand. I will be mindful of local norms, taking the time to adopt them as my own. I will present myself in the best way possible, always taking great care to portray a positive image of my home. I will also ask that people remain patient with me while I learn about the community, while I begin projects and while I further my language skills. I will welcome suggestions and seek out advice. By being personable, friendly, open and optimistic I will try hard to develop the type of communication that fosters good work between colleagues.

C: Your strategies for adapting to a new culture with respect to our your own cultural background:

The best way to adapt to a new culture is to immerse oneself in that culture. I look forward to discovering first hand all of the things that make Ukraine such a fascinating place. By being curious and flexible, I hope for Ukraine to become a part of my cultural background. Of course, I still intend to maintain who I am by keeping up with activities I enjoy, such as writing, drawing, and reading. Luckily for me, those activities are pretty portable. I hope to share those interests with the people around me as we all learn more about each other. It’s all about an exchange in cultural understanding. I know there may be some aspects of culture that might be uncomfortable for me at first, but it comes down to adjustment and compromise. By remaining open and respectful I will overcome those obstacles to the best of my ability. I’m also pretty excited to experience the religious holidays of the area, as I am of the same religion. Being Orthodox, I look forward to seeing how religion factors into the lives of Ukrainian people. While I’m not very religious myself, it is nonetheless fascinating to look into a culture that I may otherwise have no ties to, but still find that we share something so familiar.

D: The skills and knowledge you hope to gain during pre-service training to best serve your future community project: 

I’m looking forward to the information and many skills I will develop through pre-service training. In order to be proactive, I’ve thoroughly read through the handbooks on safety, Ukraine, and being a volunteer in general, as well as worked on the language preparation activities available online. But the hands on training I’ll be receiving the first three months in-country will set the tone for my two years of service. I hope to tackle the language most importantly, whether it is Ukrainian or Russian. It’s vital for me to be able to properly communicate with the people around me as best as I can. I also want to learn about how to keep safe as a volunteer. There are many steps I can take myself to ensure my own safety, and I want to make sure to take responsibility for that with the help of the safety training I’ll receive. I am also very excited to learn about the culture and history of Ukraine, specifically whatever village or town I’ll be assigned to. I want to come into my assignment with a basic understanding of the area and the people, so that I can better observe and assess the needs of the community.

E: How you think Peace Corps service will influence your personal and professional aspirations after your service ends: 

The Peace Corps will be the defining experience of my life. It is impossible for it not to be. My views and goals will undoubtedly change drastically. I could guess at what they’ll be when I finish my two year service, but I cannot know for sure what they’ll look like. I imagine they’ll consist of a strong passion for teaching, for learning, for working with youth. I would love to work on developing literacy and creative writing programs to foster a love of literature in youth culture. I hope to have a chance to do so in Ukraine. But I may also find myself working on HIV seminars or summer camps or something unexpected but equally wonderful. These experiences may shift my outlook on what I want to accomplish when I come back to Chicago in 2014. Still, no matter what direction I take, my time with the Peace Corps will help me become a more socially conscious, thoughtful, independent and motivated human being.

Land on the Edge

That's the literal translation of the word "Ukraine." And that's literally where I'm headed. To the edge!

That's right!!! My invitation was patiently waiting on my doorstep when I arrived home from work this afternoon. Rejoice! Ukraine, baby! I'm going to learn to say "Ukraine, baby" in Ukrainian, and that's all anyone's going to hear from me for the next three months. Україна, дитинко! It's going to get so annoying for everyone, they'll be begging me to leave.

Speaking of which, lots to do! Lots of forms to fill out, lots of things to buy, lots of research to search. I can't believe I know where I'm headed. It's the best feeling. A lot of the application process can feel directionless. For a long time, you're working towards some abstract, untouchable speck on the horizon. You know the idea of it. The prospect of what it all could be. But you don't really know. You never know! And then suddenly you do and you can point it out on a map! It's like putting a face to a name. It's like putting a feeling to a place.

And quite a glorious place, at that! 


I'm excited. I shouldn't get too ahead of myself with my annoyingly unflinching optimism. I know Ukraine will certainly have its pros and cons. But it's all about brightsiding, am I right?!

I'm right.

If You're Down

There is a place so lovely, and so full of life. Some lucky few are born into this place living and breathing. See, they could have been born into a rock. Or a tree. Or they could have been one of the tiny floating specks in a river full of specks. But no, not these lucky few. They were given life. Sometimes, it got messy and dangerous and scary. There were times when those lucky few didn’t feel so very lucky at all. But they were living and breathing and thinking and even sometimes smiled and laughed and felt wonderful. Sometimes these lucky few cried and thought how nice it would be to just be a rock or a tree or a speck. But someone came along and reminded them that they were lucky. They were special. They had been given rare gifts like hands and eyes and mouths and feet and thoughts and the great and terrifying gift of a heart. And with those hands, they poked at their surroundings, touching everything around them, though sometimes they didn’t believe so. And with those eyes they saw sunlight and art and read words off of pages filled with stories just as sad and wonderful as theirs. And with those mouths they spoke words that no one else had uttered ever before, because they were theirs. With feet, they traveled. With thoughts, they dreamed. And with their hearts, they loved. These lucky few were free to love deeper and with more power than any other thing in this rare place. Sometimes, they forgot how use their hearts, or they broke. But other times, these lucky few got to hold love in their beating, living hearts. And it was in those moments that they truly appreciated how lucky and few they actually were.

There is a place like this, with these lucky few.

If you look hard enough, I think you’ll see it's right where you are.

Lovely Endings

So, first things first. I graduated!

Second things second, my tutoring at Leyden came to a close a couple days ago. It was actually quite sad saying goodbye to the youngsters. But they sent me off well! I've never seen so many bags of chips in my life. And those chips were GONE in 20 minutes. They wiped them out. It was rather impressive, actually.

They also bound the short stories and poems we worked on together a couple months back. I almost lost it, it was so beautiful. One of the girls drew a marvelous picture for the cover. It was unbelievably thoughtful. I should have pictures from the festivities soon. Can't wait to post those up!

I owe that entire experience to the wonderful teachers at Leyden. They made everything possible. They opened up their doors to me, sharing not only their time but their knowledge in teaching. Without them, I wouldn't have been nominated for Peace Corps. I wouldn't have had one of the most incredible times of my life.

My last semester of college was certainly a memorable one. I've learned so much from all the different places I've went and all the different people I've met. Each one with a purpose in guiding my life. I can only hope I've led others even a tiny bit like they have led me.

Happy Summer, all!

Yikes! And also, ouch.

That's pretty accurate to how I feel right now.

Last week, I finally sent in all the medical paperwork that I'd been working on for the past couple months. It's taken me forever for a variety of reasons... I'd been sick, my doctor had been away, I've been fighting to keep up with my last semester of college. But, much in the fashion of Mortal Kombat, I FINISHED IT!

The rumors were true. This portion of the application was not fun. It was nerve-wracking. It was expensive. It was detailed. Very, very detailed. It hurt (lots of needles). And it was filled with some twists I kind of kicked myself for not seeing. But it was a serious investment in my future life, and I'm very happy that I've been able to check it off the list of PC things to do.

Now, I wait. Whether the waiting will be easier or harder than the last couple months remains to be seen, but waiting is progress in regards to the PC application. From what I've read, it's a huge part of it, actually. It's important to get good and comfortable with waiting...

Next step: Graduation!

The Unsettled Breeze

Cool breezes make me romantic. They curl around my arms like ribbons. They make me sleepy. They make me still. Passing from all parts, the wind that touched my thighs might have touched the hands of a boy in Oceania, and I can feel his wandering fingers. Sighing into the wind, it sighs back at me.

Lightly it tugs strands of my hair up and away from my face. How it plays around my face! And is the wind alone? Or are winds many? And do they stay connected by a common string, and is it strong when they flail about, furrowing and twisting in millions of different directions? And this soft breeze now... is its tail pulled by a tornado?

Soft, cool breeze. How you rush and flutter in rivets, in torrents, in storms. You are but a push of air in empty pockets of weather. But you enter in through my open window - and I opened it for you, welcoming, as I pulled back the shade - carrying with you the touch of hundreds of hands. You brush against my nose, my knees, my wrists, and I let you.

I let you in. You make me feel.

The Essential Goodness of Mankind: On New Orleans

In the midst of all my daily schtick, I had the happy treat of visiting New Orleans for the International English Honors Society Conference. How taken I was with that glorious place!

The narrow streets wind, each curve bringing vibrantly colored buildings, each with balconies lavishly decorated with leftover Mardi Gras beads. The silvery purples, vibrant greens, burning golds blending together to create a color that can only be known as New Orleans Fire. Each open door invites you in with a mingling of jazz, blues, rock n' roll. Wafting scents of sweet pralines tickle all the right taste buds. The seafood? Unreal. The po'boys? A standard. The beignets?! FORGET IT, you'll never taste anything like 'em. But it's the people, with their fantastic southern drawl and unabashed friendliness, that make New Orleans glow. Their pride and reverence for their city is truly addictive. Much like the streets, it winds, and suddenly it's in you and it's yours.

It's not a perfect city. And it's seen its share of pain and devastation. But my gosh, if I could admire it for nothing more than the strength of it's healing, that would be enough to make me love it forever. But it's also just so gosh-darn alive! The kind of alive that catches in the pit of your stomach as you chug down a trolley line to who knows what, the kind that races through you when you're standing on a tree stump at the edge of a swampy pond and the man a couple benches away starts playing a harmonica in the most beautifully unexpected way, the kind that manifests itself in the peaceful hum of a jazz tune playing as you peruse the bookshelves of a second-hand bookshop while the sun streams through the cracked second-story window. The kind of alive that makes you realize - suddenly and with great urgency - that you yourself are alive.

Two months left until a graduate. An estimated six months until I leave for Peace Corps. Lots to look forward to, but even more to enjoy in the present - and isn't that just a marvelous thing?!

On a marker near this spot:
"This place of beauty and serenity is dedicated to my family
and to the principle of the essential goodness of mankind." - Roger Houston Ogden

Happy Living, all!

Well, that was rough...

Goodness, these past couple weeks were quite up there on the "Feeling-Less-Than-Awesome" scale! After getting my wisdom teeth out and dealing with that pain, I got really quite sick from some sort of flu. And on my birthday weekend, too! Outrage.

I think it was my body telling me to take it easy. There had been a lot of things getting to me... Things with school, things with my future, things with myself. There were some serious thought spirals happening in a bad way. With all my bad-sickness-feelings, I was having trouble looking positively at anything. But like they ("they") say, time heals all. So, I took some time. I got better. I did A LOT of sleeping. It was almost like I recharged.

The worst part about being sick was missing class at Leyden. My supervisors were incredibly understanding and made me feel a ton better about my absences, but I'm still sad I missed. The students did the presentations I helped them with, and I really would have LOVED seeing them present. I'm planning a writing exercise with them... I'm actually too excited about it. The fact that Mrs. B is letting me try my hand at lesson planning is an absolute privilege. I kid you not, she is the best. I'm really lucky to be able to help her in her classes.

All my medical appointments are scheduled! Gotta start sending all that stuff in. They aren't kidding about the medical packet being intimidating, but I'll do me and be as overly-thorough as possible. Next step: exploring a wider range of volunteering opportunities - probably though Chicago Cares - and finding affordable teacher training/seminars to attend.

Everyone, stay well! Take vitamins! And for goodness sake, get some rest.

Happy February!

How Light My Boots Are Right Now

Okay. Okay okay. I've been wanting to update for a while about my last visit with Govinda and the family. I wanted to update about my new volunteering gig at my old high school. I wanted to let everyone know how the TEFL course was going - good, by the way - but I haven't. I don't know if I was waiting for this, but maybe somehow I was.

It's taken longer for me than other applicants. But isn't that just the Peace Corps for ya? Everyone's journey is different.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with a very exciting update in my Peace Corps Toolkit. It's official:

I'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR SERVICE!!!!

Okay, freaking out. I got my wisdom teeth out a couple days ago - another step in the right PC direction - and it hurts when I smile but gosh darn it, I just can't stop smiling.

I know the pre-journey isn't over yet. There will be a lot more waiting and trials when the medical and dental packets come. But this was a big hurtle for me. I worked hard to prove myself a worthy nominee. And I'm excited for the steps to come.

Not so excited to tell my parents... But that's just another challenge I'll soon face. And in time, I hope they can be happy for me, and supportive, and understanding. Ahhh, but enough of that! This is a happy post filled with happy forth-comings.

I have so many thoughts rushing through my head... So many things that need to get done. But right now, I think I'll simply lay down, ice my jaw, and try not to smile too much. This is my path. And it's winding and wacky and wonderful and I'm so grateful to walk it.

Happy Nomination Day!

P.S. "How Light My Boots Are Right Now" comes from the novel Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close which I am re-reading for the English Honors Society conference panel that we're leading at the end of February. NOLA, here we come!

Little little

Credit

Govinda always says that when we're reading through his homework. "Little little," he says. Little by little, everyday, he improves.

Spending time with Govinda and his family has been such a wonderful experience. They are so kind and hospitable. They've helped show me what it means to be patient with oneself, something I feel is insurmountably valuable. Especially when I consider everything I'm doing in my life.

I've enrolled in a TEFL course, which is going really well so far. Also, I'm officially all set to tutor ESL students at my old high school. Going back regularly will be quite the adjustment, but it's one I'm excited to make. Leyden was my safe-haven for four years, and I'll never have anything but warm and fuzzy feelings about it. It feels like I'm going back home, which is fitting. I'll get to say goodbye to it equally, like I'm saying goodbye to all the things that I love before I leave.

Speaking of leaving, I've been keeping my recruiter updated with all my advancements. I'm hoping the steps I've taken will be enough to get me nominated next time around!

But honestly, any disappointment I felt from not being nominated right away has dissipated completely. Taking the TEFL course and tutoring will not only build my confidence with teaching others, it will create skills I didn't know I needed and prepare me for challenges I didn't know I'd face. It's important to get those things before going off, because getting them first in a foreign country would be even more challenging.

Everything happens for a reason. And I'll get there when I'm meant to. In the mean time, I'll simply keep learning. Little little.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Building Up

Well, it wasn't the email I was hoping for. My recruiter informed me that I hadn't been nominated just yet. Was that something I was expecting? Not exactly. Should I have expected it? Probably.

While of course I am disappointed that my journey has been momentarily set back, I can't say I'm discouraged. In fact, I'm excited. This is just another facet of the adventure. I was told to continue volunteering, to really do what I could to make myself a more competitive applicant. And I fully intend to do just that. I need to build myself, and make myself the best volunteer I can possibly be while I'm still here in the States before I set sail to become one on a distant land.

So far, I'm looking into tutoring, particularly with those who are non-native speakers. ESL programs and the like. Also, I want to start a course for TEFL. I think that'll be helpful in the long run. I also intend to email my recruiter to see if he knows of any programs that could be particularly useful in making me a better volunteer and applicant.

This is only the beginning. From this point out, my focus will be on becoming the best, most competitive applicant I can possibly be.

Happy Building!